Effective Behavioral Strategies (3)

Most people can relate to seeing an extinction burst in action when during the checkout line at the store a child asks for a treat and a parent says “no,” resulting in an escalation of negative behaviors.  This escalation can include a child yelling, screaming, threatening, trying to forcibly take the desired item, etc.  The best way for this situation to truly improve over time if for the parent to not give in or acquiesce to the child’s wishes.  This is true because the last message we would want a child to get is that if I am told “no” then I just have to raise the stakes by demonstrating higher levels of negative behavior to get what I want.  To accomplish this it might mean that a parent has to leave the store with their child prior to finishing checking out or to tolerate unpleasant negative behaviors from their child for a period of time.

For Example:

An extinction burst might be that every time you tell your child that it is time to go home from the park, they start crying.  Sometimes, this results in parents saying they can stay a little longer which immediately stops the tears.  If you then try to extinguish the crying behavior the next time you are at the park you might tell them that it is time to go home, they might start crying, and you do NOT reward this crying with allowing them to stay longer. 

Tips for when you are going to try to change a negative behavior likely to cause an extinction burst: 

• BEFORE you go to the park, let your child know that if they would like to stay longer, they need to ask in a calm voice.  If it is not possible to stay longer, you might let them know it’s time to go 10 minutes before it is actually time to go so that you can give them the opportunity to ask to stay a little longer in order to teach this behavior.  
• If your child does not ask, and begins to cry, you can let them know that you are sorry that they are upset by this, and that they can use a coping strategy to calm down but that it is still true that it is time to go.  

Parenting during an extinction burst can feel like the wild west! 

For us, another one of the best visuals of what an extinction burst might look and feel like is thinking of the wild west.  This is especially true when a child’s negative behaviors have taken over a whole family system.  The image that this draws is one of an old western town in which there is chaos and instability due to the wild rule breaking ways of a small group.  There is fear among the townspeople that one wrong move can bring havoc and disrupt the tentative peace.  Often in families where this has occurred the natural tendency is for parents to submit to their children’s wishes to try to keep unstable situations from escalating.  Ultimately, though, what saves the western town and restores peace and order is the same thing that can rescue families and reestablish serenity in the home.  Just as in westerns where the sheriff must ride into town and take control through a true show of legitimate authority, parents must also assert themselves and restore order.

The first step to repair the true family order and stop negative behaviors is for parents to realize that they are in charge  and that their rightful place is in an authority position.  Parents should be in charge.  Then the best way to move forward is to set clear expectations for behavior with a large selection of rewards for positive behaviors and appropriate consequences for negative choices.  Parent sheriffs must be ready to put down rebellions when they arise.  This is analogous with the famed western gun battle.  Children engaging in negative behaviors do not want order to be restored so they will typically raise the stakes when a new limit is set to try and bully parents into giving into their demands.  Parents, who know that their limits are right and that they (not their child) are the appropriate ones to be setting the rules and expectations, do best.

There are many keys to a successful transition in the family system.  The following list can be used as a guideline:

• Be prepared for the showdown emotionally, knowing that most likely you will see an initial increase in negative behaviors when you set clear expectations for your child.  The best advice is to not set a limit that you will not follow through on yet.  For example, it is better to give a child a small treat when asked versus saying “no” you can’t have a treat and then giving in when a child demonstrates increased negative behavior.
• Have a large amount of possible rewards to provide for your child for making good choices.  Rewards are always needed for any program to be successful.  These should be rewards and incentives, not bribes (meaning that the child must first engage in a positive behavior prior to receiving a reward and not the other way around).  Rewards do not have to be of monetary value.  Sometimes spending alone time with your child doing his or her favorite activity can be a great reward. Another possible reward could be letting your child choose what meal he or she wants for dinner.
• Have appropriate limits and clear consequences for when a child continues to act out.  It is important to create a large list of appropriate consequences ahead of time so that a parent doesn’t fall into the trap of selecting too harsh of consequences resulting from aggravated emotions in the moment.
• Seek support from others who are able to assist you when the showdown is occurring.
• Take time for your own self-care.  This can include leaving the situation for a brief period to calm down and manage your own emotions.  Taking deep breaths, exercising, utilizing imagery, taking time out for fun activities, and accessing a support network can all be important components of self-care.
• Parents need to know that the showdown is time-limited.  A showdown that lays out clear expectations with what a child can earn and lose through his or her own choices is the best way to establish order. 
• Punishment does not teach and will not create the harmonious environment that you are seeking.  In addition, it is important to note that we are only endorsing strategies that are empirically based to support positive outcomes for kids and adults.  Thus, we are not endorsing spanking, physical punishments or having parents engage in negative behaviors since they can create a time limited drop in a negative child behavior.  For example: parents can often fall into a trap of yelling at their child since this brings a temporary decrease of a troubling behavior.  What we know, however, through behavioral research is while this yelling behavior becomes reinforced it actually has been found to be more negative over time.
• Ultimately, order will be restored.  Only this type of order can bring about true happiness and safety for a family.

Clear, Consistent Feedback

Give feedback every day since otherwise kid’s don’t connect the dots as well as to how their behavior (both expected and unexpected) leads to different outcomes for them. 

Provide more consistent feedback by setting certain times of day to provide structured feedback.  This may look a little different based on the type of incentive program that you use, but for any program a key to success is giving this type of feedback.  Sometimes it is helpful to set alarms as a reminder to give feedback or to have a certain time of day be when feedback will be given each day. 

Often children who have special needs need more feedback and children who are younger perform better with more clear structured feedback that is also given more frequently.

Bribes vs Rewards

The biggest difference is TIMING!

If you are offering rewards while a behavior is already happening in order to stop that behavior, this is bribing. 

If you are offering a reward BEFORE the behavior happens, this is a TRUE reward.  This is because you have essentially laid out the expectations for your child in order to set them up for success.  

Trying to stop a behavior halfway through with a bribe can be confusing for a child and does not teach them what the expectations are in the future.  In fact, it can end up backfiring!  What we mean is that by bribing in the middle of a negative behavior, your child may become confused about what they are getting a reward for.  They may learn that every time they scream, they get offered something positive if they stop.  We don’t want this! We want them to know exactly what behavior to have in order to earn the positive reward.

Bribery is a short term solution.  Rewarding properly is a long term solution!